staying in

the other night over a bottle of wine and a deck of uno, i had an epiphany. i don't have to go to work tomorrow. i get to stay at home. and further more, i want to stay at home. i have always wanted to stay at home, or at least not go to work or school (hence why i had a huge record of absenteeism all throughout school and have been known to call into work, or, um, quit when i just couldn't stand another day punched on my timecard). i have been putting so much pressure on myself to find a job or, even worse, a career when i know what i want to do, i have always known, but somehow i had lost my hold on the thread that anchors me to myself. let me tell you, my epiphany may seem more like i was just stating the obvious but truly i feel so very much better. i don't have to go to work tomorrow.

i've been rearranging the house. i have accepted the concept that we will remain in one place for a while so i am trying to make it more livable/workable. i moved the computer out of the bedroom to the living room so that i can write when all the boys have boarded the nightime express to sleepytown. i brought the swing out of sebastian's play/classroom (and our studio space) so that nico could join me as he would be the one to wake up the others with his flapping and grunts (the one downside to the family bed). before we were never in the living room but now it is a lot more cozy with the glow of the imac to warm us and the grey chair near the bookshelf for easy reading access. i'm sure this is more detail than you care for but i wanted to share the process of settling down. part of my epiphany included the basic fact that i hadn't recognized how taxing all of the transitions of the past year have been. it started with the recontracting debate, the getting settled in nara, the finding out that i was pregnant, then trying to figure out if we should still stay or go, then deciding to leave at the same time being told we were expecting a girl, then moving back to j-ville into the same building we left two years earlier, discovering how different jacksonville is without a car, giving birth to nico instead of ingrid, then realizing we have to pay for jason's school, followed by my attempts to find a job and the debate over grad school, followed by disappointments and finally, now, acceptance. acceptance that we need to be in jacksonville for some reason that we are working on finding out. acceptance that we have to pay for jason's school. acceptance that we must be productive and creative anywhere and everywhere. acceptance that i am home and jason is at work. acceptance that the transportation system here stinks. acceptance that we must establish and stick to a budget. acceptance that jason's gluten intolerance is for real.
acceptance opens the way for happiness. i am not fretting anymore (this is huge as fretting is a mild term for the truth of my anxiety disorder). we are working on the things that really matter to us: family, friends, education, art, reading and writing, mindfulness. it is slow, but we are working on it here and now.

the weather has been a tad cooler lately which makes it possible to stay indoors and enjoy multiple cups of tea, muji slippers on our feet, the blessings of steam heat, and baking. yesterday i made some butterscotch-chocolate chip cookies that were delicious and gluten-free. i am working on the transition to a gluten-free diet so i have to improve my cooking and baking skills (though i needed to do that regardless of the gluten factor ;)). i checked out some dvds from the library on thursday: antonia's line, groundhog day (happy belated, by the way), the exocism of emily rose, harold and maude, and who's camus anyway?. we watched the exocism of emily rose last night with some hard cider but i must say it wasn't as scary as i had hoped, though it was interesting. maybe harold and maude tonight as we are the only two people on earth who have not watched it. too busy watching the office, i suppose. anyway, i am off to start our dinner of (vegan and gluten-free) shepherd's pie with mighty miso gravy. hope all is well with you and yours. take care.

P.S. 誕生日おめでとう, Renka-chan! One whole year! Wowee!