conscious blogging

i've been meaning to return to this space but lately all spare moments find me tired or negative and neither mood is a good one for blogging. also, i am using my parents' computer and am without a camera so i hestitate to post without an image to balance my words. i sometimes wish i had more time to give to my writing because it doesn't often do justice to our situation. i worry that without a cheerful picture, i come off as being petulant and redundant. so i was surprised when ladybug zen selected me to be among the bloggers that she so kindly bestowed with an excellent blog award. reading her description of my blog made me determined that today i would post something here and so i did something i have never done so far, i wrote a rough draft on paper. it is something i intend to repeat as i want to be more conscious about what i put here. i felt compelled to write because she's spot on, we are utterly homesick for japan and our stay in the states thus far has been bittersweet. there are plenty of sweet moments, of course, as there are bound to be in a loving family. the frustrating elements have been external: our inability to make any strides professionally or academically. through it all though, our little family has remained a cozy nest.
we moved back here with the intention to save money for our next step, which we believed was going to be graduate school for me. it doesn't look like that will happen. with the recession and two little children to support, we really can't afford the time and money it would take to pursue that route. so instead, we are now looking at the possibility of returning to japan by august. that gives us about five months to study japanese, get our passports in order, and find a teaching position. i know i said about a year ago that we were planning to do this but i will admit that i was being very picky about the jobs that i applied for. this time i am more open to positions and locations. this time i am not crossing my fingers for this time it is not a matter of chance but will. so no more lamenting about japan. we are entering a new chapter and i intend to put more effort into this documentation process. thank you for putting up with me for so long. and thank you ladybug zen for thinking of me.