february (d)

so, i am not going to retract the things i wrote yesterday concerning brats. but i wanted to clarify it. i don't believe children are ever at the core brats but their behavior can be brattish. the inability to listen, to rise to a challenge, to calm their frustrations. i simply haven't worked with enough young children but i am also a little shocked to be in a room with a child that turns his/her frustration into violent action. who throws chairs, or tears class materials, or hits another child with a book. sebastian or nico have never been prone to temper tantrums. meltdowns, yes. crying, overstimulating meltdowns but it is always very self-involved. of course, now that sebastian is at school he is influenced by others and brings that home to share the good and not so good behavior with nico like a virus. this makes me question my decision to enroll him in school but i feel like for now the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. the idea of socialization is not just for sebastian to learn how to be a "regular" person: no, it includes learning how to deal with others who don't live in the same way because that ultimately is what life in society is about. our main gripe is cultural right now. japanese parents typically don't discipline or correct destructive behavior in preschoolers. jason has a really hard time of it on the playground afterschool when other kids are roughhousing and he is the only parent to take sebastian to the side and explain that we don't hit or treat others like that. then of course sebastian has a hard time because he is the only child to be scolded and he already is different from everyone else. our solution is two-step. starting next month, sebastian will stay at school a few hours longer. if this doesn't change his meltdowns, then we are going to either withdraw him from school or move to a place where he can have an education that includes peace, ideally a montessori school.
as a teacher, though, i have to be prepared to deal with children who are not, to use the montessori term, normalized. i have found a lot of wisdom lately from the book The Tao of Montessori by Catherine McTamaney. this one passage in particular under the tao: "When people see things as beautiful,/Ugliness is created./When people see things as good,/Evil is created".

It is only through empathy that we can understand the child's life. It is only through compassion that we can serve her. We must look at the child who is standing is front of us (or lying on the ground screaming in front of us!) and see the child who is yet to come. We revere the child for her potential. We respect her for her promise. While bearing witness to the normalized child serves us well, encourages us to continue to do this work, and gives foundation to our accomplishment as teachers, sometimes the most important work we do is for the child we never see change.

following this is a quote from the great Maria Montessori herself:

If we have neither sufficient experience nor love to enable us to distinguish the fine and delicate expressions of the child's life, if we do not know how to respect them, then we perceive them only when they are manifested violently.

so this creates a dilemma for me as a teacher at this school. my students don't come to me normalized nor is that the aim of anyone involved in the students' lives. the problem, obviously, is that i am a montessorian at heart and so in dealing with children, this is my approach. is it possible to practice montessori philosophy and use the methods in an unsupported context? the answer is not definite. i can do so to a certain limit and my interaction with the children can definitely carry the influence. it is hard for me though to know about this amazing way of helping children on their way to adulthood and witness so much that discourages this direction.
i am at a junction. i can either commit fully to teaching English using all the fantastic knowledge i am getting through my studies or i can switch and follow my passion.
okay, anyway, that is all for now. time to pick up the legos and work on some sandpaper letters. take care.

february (c)

Can I make Sebastian my patron saint?
I know I am a bit biased but really. My Sebastian, not Saint Sebastian. We don't need any arrows in the mix.
My sons look like angels to me tonight. Oh, the glory of comparative perspective.
I am trying to come to the point. How can I say this? Today, I saw a lot of, what is that word I am looking for? Oh yes, brats. Please capitalize the b. Yes, I know. This contradicts my staunch stance on labeling kids but the way these kids act, a-l-l t-h-e t-i-m-e, makes me believe that it can't be blamed on Friday the 13th. Most of the kids are great and in that light of comparison make my kids look scruffy and begotten. But it only takes one. Or, as I had today, five.
I will probably get in trouble for the last one, though I did nothing but try and teach him. Since it is a private school, coddling is the typical approach to keep the kids happy and the parents paying. I teach the most academic classes for all levels that come in. I actually have the nerve of trying to do what I thought was my job. I am attempting to teach them English. Most kids enjoy it but there are a few who cannot stand a challenge or even the appearance of a challenge.
But the week is over. I have papers to write and two boys to live up to. I don't know what next week will be like but for the next two days, it doesn't matter.
Hope you are having lucky 13ths. Happy weekend.
Take care. xoxo

february (b)

tuesdays seem to be my day to visit here now. jason has started teaching a class on these nights and nico always goes to sleep around seven, allowing me the chance to duck in here and say hello.
if you were going to ask about my classes (either the ones i teach or the ones about teaching), don't. i'm feeling rather overwhelmed and frustrated with both right now. one of my graduate classes is all about grammar. see, i told you not to ask.
jason is getting restless here on the island, anxious to be someplace else. i'm trying not to let his anxiety infect me. i like the quiet here and the natural beauty that is almost everywhere. it is enough for now.
i am wishing for a bit of positive change, though i can't define in what form i hope it will happen. i just feel a yearning for something.
well, i suppose this post now matches the picture: blurred and out of focus.
i hope you are all well. take care.

february (a)

hello and welcome to another month. we are rising out of winter slowly but surely here. our tiny ume tree is blooming and its larger kin are following suit. spring is coming. i've been taking pictures after work to document the lightening of the evening sky. it is no longer pitch black at 6 o'clock. in a few months i will have forgotten about the cold and the darkness and will be suffering through summer, dreaming of january.

i do wish i had brought my camera today for setsubun. oh goodness, to capture the terrific terror that was experiences by my littles today when the demons/ogres(oni) climbed in through the window. and the fantastically terrible costumes worn by the oni-san: matted long black hair, masks with yellow hooked teeth and black horns, rice skirts encircling their legs and waists. setsubun is usually translated as "bean-throwing day". it is the day when people can actually face (or as my 3 year-old students preferred, run from) their demons. before the oni-san entered, the teachers gave a little show about how bad behavior invites oni-san in and how when we are good, they retreat. they also retreat when they are pelleted with dry soy beans by the thousands while hearing "oni wa soto, fuku wa uchi": out with the demons, in with happiness. it went on for a while with lots of screaming and crying as the demons chased the children about, bent on capturing them and carrying them towards an exit while the other children hysterically threw more beans.

speaking of children and their demons....


we went to nagasaki over the weekend. i had a language teachers meeting and the lantern festival was happening so it seemed like a good time to get away from the island. except that we were reminded as we always are about the effects of living in a small, quiet place with sensitive children. it makes their reactions to the hustle and bustle of a city extreme. many, many meltdowns. many, many, many occasions of sebastian running off in the middle of a crowded and large store. so, so relieved to be back. the lesson from it is: don't take the entire family to the city when we only have a weekend because with the ferry ride it is more like only having a day and a few hours and a lot of those hours are spent sleeping at the hostel. also, don't expect a five year-old to be interested in ordering shelves from muji when there is a little flashing and pinging corner of coin-hungry games across the way.
lesson learned.
i didn't get any pictures of the teachers' meeting but if you head over to flickr there are some of the lantern festival.
hope you are well. take care.
xoxo
p.s. i hate thinking of titles so i will start labeling my posts by month and alphabetical order.

wish you were here

i went for a walk with you today
you were with me the whole time

we saw the crow with the rope
caught on its leg and tried to tell
him we could help if he would just
come down

then off the path you almost fell and
i grabbed your arm, just in time
then we walked on and found the pile of
rusted tractors and bedsprings, an
old safe unopened

i saw an abandoned barn but then you
saw the dogs waiting in front of it

a mother of my students stopped to ask
if we needed a ride, but we declined
preferring to walk together under
the rare blue sky, a warm winter's day

you told me i was lucky to live someplace
where daffodils grew wild and i agreed

later when i finished and you were there
waiting for me, the sky was not dark yet
and you said spring was on its way





more pictures here.
xoxo

the now and later

now: it's super cold this weekend, well, for us anyway. we are snuggling in, watching the pokemon movie and eating coconut doughnuts with cups of green tea to wash them down.
school is moving along. this is sebastian's last semester as a preschooler. in april, he will be sempei, the oldest level at the school and a true kindergarten-er. the shi-shi mai visited their school so they've been doing a lot of paintings and crafts based on that. next month is setsubun, a day where you are to throw beans at the demons in order to protect your house for the upcoming season. sebastian's been going around singing songs about oni and kami, demons and spirits.
as for my time at work, i have been using some new songs with good results and accomplishing a lot of little victories. i am drafting a curriculum for the upcoming school year and am surprisingly excited about it. i feel more comfortable at my school and ready to make the most out of it.
my graduate classes start again on monday so that will take away some of my japanese studies. jason and i have been having after-kids'-bedtime study sessions since the beginning of the new year. we occasionally cancel them to watch the office or 30 rock instead but those shows are absolutely worth it. we've also been slowly going through the seasons of northern exposure, my annual winter viewing pleasure. we are now the same age as joel and maggie which has caused quite a bit of reflection this year.
we also have been the happy recipients of many packages lately. our montessori supplies came in and we've been incorporating them into our daily routine. i also got some much needed clothes which are making my life easier during these snowy days. mail-order is a big way of life on this island and in a way, i really like it. you have to be certain of your purchases and good at planning ahead. and of course, there is that pleasure of getting something in the mail that never vanishes. we finally got our first issue of the kyoto journal yesterday which is all about tea, a good thing to read about while sipping some.
later: we'll be going to nagasaki at the end of the month for a language teacher's meeting. i am really into professional development now. i think it has something to do with my increasing commitment to the education field along with my advancing age. it also looks like we'll be sticking around for another year. the benefits of this job outweigh the disadvantages. a big rent-free house, nice students, a decent salary and health coverage, and a good amount of time off. i have another vacation looming at the end of march. two plus weeks paid vacation then of course golden week will be on its heels. after that summer vacation, when we hope to go to nara. in november, i'm heading to the big teacher's conference and then in december and january, perhaps florida. nice, warm sunny florida where my toes won't be frozen.
and after that? i'll be finished with my degree and ready to find a better job in a city that is connected to other places by a more convenient means than ferry. jason wants to try for a higher level of japanese proficiency test so he'll need a teacher and he's not going to find one here.
but after a few years, i am thinking of heading to india for 9 months to get my ami montessori certification. i still want to open a montessori school in kyoto/nara but i haven't been able to figure out how we can afford for me not to work constantly in order to undertake the intensive training that is necessary. but we could save enough to live in india for the amount of time needed to get the certificate. montessori has been wide-spread in india since the beginning. i am considering volunteering as an english teacher some vacation to get a sense as to if this is possible for us as a family.
that's about it from us for now. i hope you are all well. take care.
xoxo

Better Angels

I am enjoying this year so far, aren't you?

We have somewhat of a plan for our future now, a future that is made much brighter by the dynamic President Obama. How amazing that feels to write. During times like these of great national importance in America, I have to consider what it is I am doing here. Am I unpatriotic because I choose to live abroad? No, in fact, I believe I am part of the new age that President Obama referred to in his speech. I am not thinking about borders or boundaries. I am a global citizen though culturally I am an American and proud to be so.
Living in Japan with my family, we are working against negative stereotypes and hopefully helping to open up a few minds and hearts in the process. We are the only Americans in our little island chain. We make up half of the foreign population on this island. If we go outside of our little circle, there are stares and echos of "gaijin-san" (foreigners, though I think it is nice that they add the honorific san to the end of it). We might be the only Americans some of these people ever meet so we must represent our home country to the best of our abilities. We strive to be kind and generous, understanding and patient, open and welcoming. These qualities were cultivated in us as Americans and though we may falter occasionally, we do not forsake these core traits. It might be a small part but it is our part and it is how we know best to serve our country at this time.
I know that the road ahead is not smooth but seeing all those people gathered in the Washington Mall to watch President Obama's address made me feel part of a force united to work towards a better world, thousands of voices crying "Yes".

one of the traditions here is "first writing" where you write significant words that can carry you in the new year. we selected words that we need to work towards during 2009 (as well as what we believe the boys need) and here they are:

勤勉な: kinben na: diligent: tiffany
楽観: rakkan: optimism: jason
静かな：shizu kana: calm: sebastian
注意かい：chuuibukai: careful: nicolai

we've been enjoying the last week of my vacation by being very domestic and occasionally venturing out to see the sights. you can see our sights by heading over to our flickr account. here is a clip of the clearest water that surrounds one of goto island's famous christian churches. hope you enjoy.



take care.
xoxo

resolved

it isn't easy for me to sit still, to focus but in 2009, this is my goal. i have to overcome a lot of obstacles that rise from within me. it will probably be the most challenging thing i have ever done.
there are so many roads at my feet, some dirt paths, some six-lane highways. i am standing on one street that in my mind most closely resembles the one in the image above. it is quiet, basic, and curved. i don't know where it ends or if there is an intersection. yet, this is the road i will be taking this next year.
what does this actually mean?
it means that though there may be other ways, i am going to focus on what i am here for. i will finish my master's degree, i will study japanese daily. my job is not the best but i will give it my best. i am designing a program that will make it more manageable and hopefully more effective for the students. i am going to finish my degree by spring of 2010. by that time, hopefully i will have passed some level of the japanese proficiency exam. in what little spare time i have, i am going to learn more about japanese history and society.
sometimes, i lose sight of why i am going through so much trouble. the core reason is simply love. five years ago i fell unexpectedly in love with japan. i am going through lengths that aren't really appealing to my nature but are part of living here.
2009 is going to be like a bootcamp. and after a year of intensity it will be 2010, our projected year to return to nara/kyoto. we'll all possess better language skills and a better understanding of our adopted home and i'll be better equipped as a teacher.
it will be most difficult to sideline those other ambitions that strive for equal attention in our lives but in the end, we will be more capable of fulfilling everything if we give to each aspect completely instead of piecemeal. if we can gain the discipline to accomplish the more pragmatic elements of our lives, then we can apply the same strength to our passions.
so those are our resolutions for the new year. last year we wrote a list of resolutions and planted them at the edge of the marsh on my parents' land. they sprouted though the harvest was different than anticipated. i wanted to either start grad school or move to japan and i ended up doing both. this next year is an odd year and typically they are my waning years. but i also turn 30 this next year so that will probably carry some weight amongst the fates.
anyway, i have to clean something now. the whole neighborhood is in a cleaning fever so i must pitch in and prepare for the new year. so, until next year.
happy new year to all of you.
and though it should wait until the new year officially starts:
明けましておめでとうございます｡

come walk along the docks with us

don't mind our giddy conversations. it has been a while since we've been outside.
oh, and don't pay attention to, um, anything i say. my droll and trite observations are evidence of a lulled vacation mind.

magical days

hope you are having some too.
xoxo

メリークリスマス

my parents asked how do you say merry christmas in japanese:
merii kurisumasu but it sounds a lot like the english version.
these are the best not-so-blurring pictures of the kids around the "xmas" tree aka a kumquat tree. it is a good thing, the blurs. it is a sign of happy activity, celebration, excitement.
we hope that all of you are enjoying the day. take care.
xoxo

winter

i know it is not as cold as it is in other places. other places have things like ice storms and brief periods of daylight.
but here it feels cold. it makes me very aware that i was born and raised in florida. i crave sunlight and warm toes and fingers.
i like to be able to go into my kitchen without shivering and seeing my breath. little things, really.
i'm trying to embrace the winter, to appreciate how prominent colors become under a grey sky, to face that this is part of life instead of trying to avoid it.
it is a process and i probably won't come to terms with it for a few months. you know, when it is warm and, well, spring. then, i will appreciate winter. now though it is just about working through it.

Freedom

You are looking at two free people. So now there are four of us in the house. In the house that seems so big and spacious when you are alone but with two under sixes "paling" around, it becomes a little more, um, intimate. Cozy? We are working on that. First though we have to adjust to Nico and Jason's open schedule while working a little of the structure that Sebastian and I are used to into the days.
We were going to go visit Nara this winter vacation but we couldn't manage to pull all the threads together. So we are here. This allows us time to do things we can't in our regular time together. Like sew for purposes other than school goods. Or do a self-directed intensive Japanese study. So it is still good. And we will make it back to Nara eventually, hopefully at least when we move back to the Kansai area in the future. Until then, we will continue to enjoy these images that remind us of the home that we are working towards.
In the meantime, no school, no work, no lesson planning. 21 sunrises and sunsets before us and plenty of hot cocoa in between. I think we can manage.
Hope you are well. Take care.

Vegetarians: Avert Your Eyes

Part of our life on a sea island.
Just a note about the big tuna: we know about the terrible destruction associated with the hunt for this fish. (these fish were tiny compared to the picture in the article). A group of these fish were caught for the visit of Prime Minister Aso and a local grocer was doing a raffle to give away large boxes of it cut into sashimi to get people out to see the unpopular Prime Minister. It was a really cold day though so not many people made it, even with such temptations. We happened to be out and have a raffle ticket and won some. We cooked it up in a soup the next morning, as it wasn't exactly sashimi weather.

My work

The end of the semester is winding down with both my graduate classes and my preschool/elementary/adult classes at work. This week I have a few papers which, perhaps luckily, I must complete tonight as this week is parent observation week in my afternoon classes. Observations make me nervous though I learned at my job before this that they have the potential to be really helpful. This week's lesson is pretty simple: do a few workbook pages then make a Christmas card. Not exactly thrilling for tired parents in the late afternoon but at least I am honest. The teacher before believed that actions spoke louder than words (lots of Total Physical Response) and never did any of the things I do with the kids like bingo games or letter puzzles or crafts. I hope the parents see that it isn't just a big pile of messy construction paper that their children achieve but that they completed the lesson by listening to the instructions in English. Also, for the littles, craft is excellent for building their fine motor skills. Since employing craft in my classes, the handwriting of even my three year olds has improved. I spent the morning cleaning the classroom and making slight improvements (covering up some unused but unable-to-86 toys with this cute American Jane fabric in blue) and preparing for the first round of Christmas cards. I wish I had taken before pictures of the classroom but I will try to take some classroom photos later this week, maybe with the kids in action. I realize I must really be becoming a teacher when I want to boast about my classroom but the transformation in my eyes is incredible. When I arrived there were papers from teachers up to five years ago, not important, informative papers but scraps of unnecessary paper that no one had bothered to throw away. This litter was stuffed into every nook and cranny. A cluttered room equals a cluttered mind and in an English class with young learners, any distraction is a deadly for a lesson. There were also lots of unused materials and games that the former teachers for the past few years had deemed over the students' heads and yet I use successfully on a regular basis. I am not trying to suggest I possess a superior ability but rather have to express my bewilderment over how people can so often underestimate the power and potential of the human mind. For children, the language barrier is more of a river that they are learning to swim across and our role is to help their journey.
But speaking of cluttered minds, it is time to get the kids to pick up and lay our futons out. Hope you are well.

Let it hail, let it hail, let it hail

Somehow, not so catchy of a song title. And yet that is our reality right now. Two straight days of blasting winds and hail. I never knew hail could fall for so long, like rain or better yet, snow. I associate hail with tornadoes, something we don't get here. Or at least, I don't think we get here. Oh, and these are old photos, the kids aren't playing around outside in this weather.
Saturday morning and it is full of fighting kids, catching up with family via skype, and cutting the boys' hair. I didn't want to cut Nico's downy hair but it goes straight into his eyes so I trimmed it about one centimeter (for your sake, Auntie L). Right now they are playing in a steamy bathtub, having pulled the protective cover over the top of the tub so that it stays warm and secretive. Lots of laughter and I get to finally drink my cup of coffee after the fourth time of being reheated.
Jason's about to venture out to get a requested lunch and some fabric to make a head scarf and apron for Sebastian as next Wednesday is mochi making day at school.
Well, break time is over. It's time to get them dressed and head back upstairs where it is warm enough that you can't see your breath.
Hope you are all warm and well.

Wed

Yesterday I went to a wedding reception for one of my co-workers. It was a very gala affair with the bride changing dresses not once but four times. I unfortunately didn't capture her in the white traditional Japanese wedding kimono, but as you can image, she was stunning in that as well. The bride is the kindergarten teacher at my school so it was arranged that her students arrive and sing for her. They sang the theme song from Ponyo and another from Greeeeen, a popular j-pop band. After that, they got to partake in the chocolate fountain and pour chocolate over fruit and their school uniforms. Then, when the kiddies left, a group performed the Shishi mai dance to help cleanse the new union. The saddest part was at the end when the bride said good-bye to her parents and took her new place next to her in-laws. There was a lot of good food and drink and people were really enjoying themselves, something I am always happy to witness. Too often the side of Japan that I see is entirely too tense (I work in education after all) so I like to see people with their hair down.
I wish the best to the newlyweds. They definitely had a very proper start to their marriage.

The elements

We have been battling the erratic weather both inside and outside our house this past week. Since our house has no insulation, we have to work hard to keep ourselves warm. We are lucky to have two air conditioning units that covert to heaters but due to the insulation situation that I mentioned, it is wasteful to use them for extended periods. So hot drinks, many layers, and staying together in one part of the house. We have moved our camp upstairs where it is warmer and spend most of our time there now. This week the upstairs was often darkened when we used the storm shutters. For a few days there was tremendous rain, wind, hail, and thunderstorms raging across our island. Lots of fun, especially when you recall that we are pedestrians. But then the sky will clear and the yellow and red trees that are blazing everywhere now will have a perfect blue contrast in the background.

As for the homesickness and culture shock that I mentioned, they are really just natural parts of living in a new place. So if you consider that we have been gypsies for quite some time now, then you can understand that we have been in some stage of culture shock/homesickness for many years. It can't be solved by returning home, we discovered that when we went back last time. No, it must be faced head on. You must continue to live how you wish regardless of these currents of emotion.

Which brings me to my next topic. I am facing a decision that would seem quite foolhardy to many of you but I persist with it anyway. I am considering withdrawing from graduate school. Or at least taking a leave of absence. It is something I might do simply because I have had problems with registration for the next term and so there might not be any space for me in the classes I need to take. The core reason I want to leave the program is because I want to work on my writing in the evenings. I have been running away from this aspect of myself for all of my adult life. In my youth, my path seemed so clear but then faced with the realities of adulthood, my plan seemed tattered. I didn't consider developing a better understanding of the craft of writing. I had no understanding of how to become the writer I wanted to be. Perhaps I was not meant to start in earnest on that path while I was so immature. My writing would have been (and was) trite and weak.
Something has changed now. I read over some pieces I wrote last year expecting to find utter crap, but saw something else. As a highly discerning reader, I saw potential in my words. They had all been written hastily and received no revising or editing treatment but there was a little spark of possibility there. And that is the distant star I am chasing. I am following the advice of the great Annie Dillard from her article "Write Till You Drop":
"Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That is, after all, the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?"

I have tried to live a brave and aware life but if I am not writing, I am not meeting that objective completely. I realize that this seems an impractical direction for a working mother of two but history has shown that the best way is not always the most pragmatic. Besides, in many ways, this is for the boys. As I watch Sebastian's talents developing I have to consider how I will support them as both he and Nico grow. Writing might not be a lucrative profession but if by following this innately laid path I can be a model for my children, then that is enough for me.

And before you say it, let me just inform you that I am not quitting my day job. In this position, we make ends meet without having to sacrifice too much. It is not always the best, but it is workable. Being isolated is trying, but in many ways it is good for us. It forces us to sit still and to work on aspects of ourselves that we couldn't focus on with all the movement. So for now, this is what we are doing.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
Take care.

Two

And now he's two. I've been in this space now for two years and I suppose I have somewhat documented the changes that this little family has undergone since Nico's arrival. There are a lot of gaps, mainly due to lack of time but also because there are so many things that don't quite make the blog cut. Like culture shock (that nasty, sneaky state of mind that is so persistent) or homesickness (which I am ashamed to report having since we moaned for two years about Japan and how much we missed it..). I feel like there will be more changes, even drastic ones perhaps, ahead of us and I will do my best to share what I can manage with you. Thank you for reading.