our children's house

this week's quote from ms. montessori
we are a montessori house. i have been reading books by and about the montessori method since i was a teenager. it has always been my dream to become a montessori teacher but due to pragmatics, it won't be happening soon. when i say we are a montessori house, i don't mean that we have all the proper equipment or follow any guidelines precisely. what i mean is that the words of maria montessori are reflected in our intentions, if not always our actions. at home the difference is not noticable, it is only around others that i realize that we are bringing our boys up differently. our children are alert and observant, they are energetic but kind and very friendly. the montessori philosophy, though often coupled with christian schools, in fact corresponds to buddhism. we are not interested in academic achievement or test scores, we want our sons to be successful as humans. to be independent and confident, courteous, polite and gracious out of respect for others as well as themselves. we want to help them discover the world on their own terms, be their guides not their dictators.


nico putting the blocks away after building towers with them.

nico walking at a little under 9 months is rather alarming for other parents with 12 month olds who refuse to toddle. i reassure them that each child develops at their own pace but they never seem convinced. they look for ways to explain his progress, eventually settling on the explanation that having an older brother makes the difference. they ask me when he started pulling himself up or turning over, i tell them that nico and sebastian met those "milestones" at precisely the same age. then, to make themselves feel better i guess, they try to compare the size of our children. the funny looks i get when i tell them i have no idea about either of them because i have yet to find a pediatrician that i respect, that i understand sick-child visits but well-child visits confuse me.


sebastian chooses and pours his own drinks, putting the container back where he found it when he finishes. he also puts his cup in the sink and wipes down the table with a sponge if necessary.

i am not being sassy when i say these things. i get questions like, but how do you know they are healthy? how do you know they are doing okay?


having finished his lunch, sebastian stores the rest of his food away so as not to waste it.

my answer: i just look at them. take for instance when i needed some pictures to accompany this post's subject. all i did was take a picture of what they were doing at the moment.
i trust myself but mainly i just have an absolute faith in the human ability to grow and prosper and this includes my own children. i watch and help when needed though i do first make sure that it is their needs not my own.
a trust like this is easy when you spend time with children, when you observe instead of interfere with the somewhat bizarre expectations of mainstream society. it is similar to the faith children have in their parents and teachers, the belief that we are serving them with their best interests in our hearts and minds.

onward + danger boy

first off, though the stencil was good the so soft fabric paints weren't so good. so i can't show you the shirt. yet. but i did work on a special request yesterday. i have this little drawstring pouch i made so that i can carry my necessities on my wrist when i am with the kids. i get a lot of compliments and sometimes i get requests but usually i brush them off because i don't have the time and don't really think my stuff is up to par yet. but one teenaged barista caught me off guard and requested a little purse like mine except in blue and green, her favorite colors. blue and green, huh? i asked her if she preferred any shade or pattern, nope, just blue and green. well, i don't really have much green in my stash. or a lot of blue. so i made this...



i mean, it's okay, right? but personally, i would never wear it. too childish. so i will probably give this to a tween somewhere and make another one. or two. so she can chose. for some reason, i take it really seriously as if i were to flake on her it would result in her disillusionment with humankind. i don't even know her. i think her name was liz. but i will make her a decent little pouch so she can keep her faith.

making things is really difficult with the boys. all three of them (that's right, i'm including jason) require attention from me during the day and the sewing machine is too noisy to run at night. so sewing is a little tense. i am thinking of working on a mobile made from beaded dragonflies. something i can do quietly with my hands.
today i made this dress, the popular shirt-dress from built by wendy pattern 3835.


it is cute and simple so i might have to make some more. here pale nico is enjoying the ergo baby. which is good because he is too heavy to be in the sling for too long now. jason was off today so we took our usual walks, chasing lizards, skipping stones on the river.


it is good to have nico some place secure because he is such the danger boy (i'll have to make him a cape and a freezer paper stencil onesie to declare his true identity). let me present some evidence....

with pot lid

climbing the step ladder and jumping up and down happily when he gets to the top

he's a climber. my friend used to ask me if sebastian was a climber because her son was a true climber. i'd say, sure, i guess but let me just say now heather, no, sebastian was not a climber. nico is a climber. it doesn't help that he is walking already so he is building even more strength. so dangerous. i'll have grey hairs soon to share with you, i am sure. on the safer side, he is also really good at sticking out his tongue. which is, admittingly, so cute that it makes up for the scaring me (and jason and even sebastian) multiple times daily thing.
i'm going to be gone for a couple of days but i'll return with some new creations and maybe a picture of a new....
see you then.

a month of making

so recently, i've been in a creative slump. maybe it is the heat or the many changes and decisions going on here but for some reason i just can't push myself to do the things i want to do. and believe me, there is a lot i want to do. ideas surface every night as i lay with the boys resting their heads on my arms, slowing my breathing and heart rate so that they can follow suit. in the quiet, fantastic ideas just float up and i am left laying there without a pen handy (or a hand for that matter) just hoping i will remember the newest nuggets of inspiration. of course, what usually happens is that my methods of lulling my little ones to sleep are very effective and i have a difficult time resisting the siren's call for slumber. i do recall that last night i came up with the idea of making an alphabet matching card game, a patchwork pillow paired with a mini version that is filled with lavender (for a housewarming gift), an oven mitt/dish towel/ apron set (for another housewarming set). the night before it was dolls. simple folk style dolls in simple modern clothing. another night i decided that i wanted to make an everyday tote for lotta's book for my midwife and a notebook folio for my doula by nico's birthday. one night i came up with a complete waredrobe that i want to make for sebastian. and the fabric i want to print. the list goes on. i need to keep a notebook in my pocket so i don't lose anymore.
and yet another idea, a tee-shirt for jason's birthday. he received two rather, ahem, lame shirts from his parents and so i thought i would counter their gift with something he would actually want to wear. this is just the stencil.
i am taking him out tonight for a belated surprise dinner (shh, don't tell!). the surprise part is that i invited his friends that he rarely ever sees. two rather inexpensive and belated but good birthday presents, i think.

the other day i was talking to kayla about her high school art class. she told me that quanity was valued over quality and yet surprisingly it was effective in creating some really good work. this echos the advice of most artists/writers/craftspeople people who insist you must be involved in a creative act daily. for me it is hard. i have buckets of excuses that i reach for to explain why i don't make anything these days. the kids, the house, my work, applying to grad school, the stress of uncertainity, lack of supplies, tools. but the truth is that my excuses stem from my lack of confidence and my overthinking the result. it is the reason i can't write. the audience is too present. i always imagine where the finished product will end up, what will be the opinion of those who receive it, and even if it will one day become profitable. by the time i sit down to start, i am already discouraged by the fictitous outcome and end up walking away. again. and again. so to stop this bad habit, september will be all about making. creating something everyday and documenting it here. you are welcome to join. it doesn't have to be fancy or sewn or drawn or written. even a batch of delicious cookies can be included. just as long as it is conscious creation. if you do decide to join me, please leave a comment. i'd like to see what you are up to.
okay, this one is no longer so peaceful so i must get him ready for his date with his grandparents.

by the way, yahoo photos is going down so if, like me, you have some ancient pictures you forgot about you should go get them. i'll be posting my finds (all from our first year in japan-ones we lost when sebastian poured pocari sweat on our laptop) like this gem (the only picture we have of tokyo) this weekend on flickr as part of my photo organization project.

until tomorrow...

hello.

hi there. how was your month?
good? good.
and mine? it was also good.
i managed to swim and sew a few times. i worked a little, played a lot. stressed a bit. i was disappointed and elated and relieved. i wrote very little but read a lot which i truly enjoy better anyway. i realized many things and let go of even more.
all in all, it was a very lovely month.

tangible news: jason is now 30. nico is walking. i didn't get the job i wanted so badly but i am okay with it now. i did apply to another grad school and if accepted we'd be moving down south a bit very soon. which could be good.

i have relaxed more about my destination. i feel like i am floating, i must trust the river.

we're probably getting a car. soon. i still have reservations but a part of me is happy to be able to join the mobile masses. i just wish the masses weren't made of so many. i prefer walking and trains and buses still.

moving would be good in many ways. no more flaking paint, no more mold, no more giant cardboard patch covering a hole in the ceiling over our stove.

i said farewell to gluten and dairy recently. i'm doing my best to stay on the wagon this time.

we're happy with the decision to keep sebastian home. the preschool was montessori orientated but i just didn't feel right. this has led to a lot of discussion between jason and myself regarding our future and what we need to be doing versus what we want to be doing. we still want to return to japan and when we do, we are going to seek permanent citizenship. we want to open a small montessori school in the kansai foothills. this is our shared dream. it is wonderful to share dreams, isn't it?

i'm going to try and convince my dad to help me make some wooden montessori tools. i still need to enlist his help in making a key rail to attach screens to so that i can print textiles. after that, i am thinking of trying to make my own oilcloth. we want to make a high chair for nico. simple like the droog high chair. i would make the cushion.
okay, the silence is officially (and haltingly, randomly) broken. i have enjoyed the quiet but i am happy to return to this space. hope everyone is well. take care.

August

Ah, August is here.

August is my good month. It is always a time of change, a threshold to something new. Seven years ago, I found Jason in August. Since then each August brings unexpected gifts. This month means so much to us that we gave Nico the middle name Augustus, meaning magnificent. This particular August has begun well. A completed grad school application, the last day of classes, and a visit from our friends who just finished up their JET program tour of duty. The weeks ahead are full of promise. I want to sit back and let the last days of summer bloom instead of agonizing over strategems like I did during July. I hope to be able to sew, swim, and enjoy. I want to write stories instead of cover letters. Finish up Charlotte's Web and start the Little House books with Sebastian. You know, good things. I hope you have a fantastic month as well. See you in September.

111: Silence is Platinum + A Birthday ShoutOut

Living in a small two bedroom apartment with four people, two of whom are under five and two of whom are rapidly approaching thirty, is, well, interesting. Now that Plan B is pretty much down the drains, we are drawing up the plans for Plan C. But this is not easy especially since we are still mourning a bit over the deceased Plans A and B. They were such nice plans. They had so much time and effort invested in them. And yet, as the songs says:

(i just like any excuse to post kenny rogers and the muppets singing together)

anyway, plan c is forthcoming. i've been able to have a few hours of relative silence as jason and sebastian spent the night at his folks. a bit of writing, a lot of dishes, and a lovely cherry-peach cobbler made in honor of my dearest friend a's birthday. (okay, so maybe i just happen to realize that today was the 29th after i made the lovely cobbler but still....)
HAPPY 28th A! I can't wait to see you and R. We have been looking forward to your return for over a year! When you get here there is a cup of tea and (depending on how soon you get here) a bowl of cobbler waiting for you, my love. Hope you are having a wonderful birthday and we'll see you soon!!! XOXO


hope everyone is having a happy weekend. take care.

110: Making and Made

a new project in the works, designed to help me focus on the natural environment around me, to seek out the good and green in my corner of the planet. i will have more soon.

still enjoying our play dough. i used this recipe and divided it after it was cool and mixed in food coloring. we had four separate ones but green+yellow+blue have joined forces.

trip to the library, animal books and chapter books to be read together at bedtime. now that i am not working evenings anymore we are really enjoying the evening routines of dinner and bedtime again.

some projects finished. a simple cotton cloth, good for use with wee ones.

the linen dress reformatted to a simple book bag.

quick embroidery, done in between games of candyland and castle building. it says motasete itadaku which literally means "humbly be allowed to carry." big enough for composition and sketch books, a few books to read when those unexpected moments open up that allow my attention to be directed to paper instead of a child.

speaking of which, both kids are now hanging off of me so i better sign off. today was too hot for the park so sebastian is certifiably insane right now and driving the rest of us batty.
really.
hope all is well with you.
xo

109: Signs of a Good Day

today is one of those days that make me wish to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. the kids have been not so crazy and we have actually just had a lot of fun. the trick to staying at home with kids is to disconnect from "real time" and just be home. usually on tuesdays i am home until around 4:30-5ish when the kid watching shift changes and jason comes in and i go out for my evening class. like i've said repeatedly, i do enjoy teaching but i also really love not working as well. my mellow approach today has also been helped by a few glasses of iced chai latte. so good.

anyway, we have been crafting fools today. some potato stamps, beetle and crocodile.

a very lovely mess. homemade play dough, a batch of whole wheat chocolate oat cookies, lots of stamping action, and salt letters. oh, and mr. bump made a few appearances today for mr. baby (as sebastian insists on calling nico lately. he's mr. sweetheart and i promise he bestowed that upon himself) as he continues to believe that he can stand up sans holding on to anything. poor unbalanced babe. thank goodness for the soothing powers of mr. bump aka cold pack.

bbc planet earth is our go-to when the heat becomes too much and we just need sebastian to chill out for a few moments. sebastian is drifting away from trains/planes/automobiles and has a newly focused interest in animals of the world. he doesn't even flinch when the gigantic great white shark attacks the seals. we put up a map of the world in his room and he is learning where all the different animals live. it is really amazing how well he remembers geography.

and a good day for nico, access to some sort of paper product to chew on. his teeth are pushing through like mad and all he likes to do is to find books, important papers, boxes, etc. and chew them until they become a pulpy mess. kinda like a puppy, i suppose.

and for me, i was happy to find my tomato plants are actually making, gasp, tomatoes. well, three of them. but that is three more than i thought i had.

jason will be home soon and we'll get to have yet another candlelit dinner of leftover millet and summer vegetables. if the rain passes, perhaps we'll even make it to free night at the museum.
a good day indeed.

108: Dai Ni No Kokoro (Second Heart)

from bosca bella cemetary, fernandina beach
all of these shifts of direction have made me aware of my desire to find my true path. over and over, jason has asked, but what do you want to do? and i just shake my head, confused by my options and limitations.
the duration of this search has taken has taught me patience. it has taught me how necessary it is to sit, to be silent. to listen and to wait.
certain means of clarification have revealed themselves to me recently. this quiet film, a library find picked up after a conversation with my french student who dreams of becoming a nun. the book that i actually first picked up while writing an article on teikei farming in japan. in this important text, i have learned about passivity and the second heart, the heart that rests within the first heart of arrogance and pride. the second heart feels "the reality of the power of love, of a wisdom that transcends the level of human capabilities... Modern society is a product of dai ichi no kokoro (first heart), the heart of the three dimensions. It is a society beset with mutual plundering and killing... It is only through our dai ni no kokoro that the true human world will evolve, bringing with it a love that guarantees its preservation." (Yanase Giryo pages 24-25). also, the inaka edition of the kyoto journal, our last purchase from japan that we've been slowly reading. this article has stimulated me, making me consider the rural-urban situation even more. in the article, he asks why is the city always invading the countryside? when is the countryside going to invade the city? for me, this is something i've always been interested in and feel that land use and in particular urban farms and community gardens are such a crucial element for urban development. it is ideal to consider moving to the country like barbara kingsolver and living off the land, but by 2050 80% of humans will be in the cities. the cities must become sustainable and one of the first steps is connecting people to the environment through their food sources.

a little shift in our plans came in my e-mail today and part of dealing with it was a little search through idealist.org to see if there are any new jobs that i can apply for. i saw my dream job again and it made me think about how i can get the experience necessary to obtain such a position. i am trying to get a plot in the neighborhood community garden and i've always wanted to WWOOF but simply do not have the time or resources to do that in the foreseeable future. perhaps grad school is on the horizon?

i appreciate having the time and space, here and elsewhere, to sort these things out. i don't know anything still but i'll continue to collect these hints like luminescent gems, lighting my way along the path. thanks for reading my rambles. i promise that soon i'll have something true and (semi) solid to report.

107: family affair

we're a young family. most of our friends that have kids started their families when they were older than i am right now. the friends that are our age are just starting to consider children. when i graduated college, sebastian was almost one. by the time i start grad school, both kids will be walking and talking. and i will still be relatively young.
i'm writing this because we honestly forget sometimes that we are a young family. there are advantages to being a young family that are sometimes overlooked because of the numerous disadvantages. we don't currently have a lot of resources. or time.
i often tell those friends of mine who are starting to feel a little pressured to start their family to relax. enjoy your pre-child days. go on vacations to places where the water is unsafe. the kids will come when they want to and when they get here they will do as they wish. they are your guests, little humans that need to be shown around the place.

i will most likely never be a full-time stay-at-home mother, but i never had my sights set on that job anyway. this summer both jason and i have been working and it has been a strain on the family. the good thing is that i have discovered that i really enjoy teaching english to speakers of other languages. i could not probably create a more suitable career for myself besides for being a writer. i empathize with language learners but mostly, i simply like humans. i like making situations smoother for people so that they can focus on what really matters. i have so much respect for all of my students, even the young ones that are more interested in boys/girls than the lesson. i remember what is like to be young; after all it wasn't too long ago.

this fall, regardless of what happens with grad school or japan, i will continue to teach. if things go as planned i will be able to teach at two places and then jason can stay at home with the boys. this is really important to me. i would gladly work the graveyard shift if i thought that my labor was benefitting the boys. jason has read my montessori books and agrees with the philosophies and methods involved. he's a good stay-at-home dad and as unconventional as it is, i wish that more families had the opportunity to allow the father to stay home. we are attachment parents (to a degree); i breastfed sebastian past his third birthday and will probably do the same with nico. i sleep sandwiched between them (and haven't had a full eight hours in over four years). we are very close. when nico was born, jason was working all the time but this summer he has been home and nico has really become attached to him. he gets so excited when he sees his dad or even hears the key turning in the lock, he crawls madly over to greet and climb up jason's leg. sebastian and jason are naturally close after two full years together. this past year when jason was working, he'd get a bit short-tempered with the kids but when he's here all day with them, on their level, he understands them better.
of course, being home doesn't bring home any bacon but we're mainly vegetarians here anyway. besides, as our rimpoche says, time is not money, time is time. it is precious.

we've decided that it is not time for sebastian to go to school. he was so into it months ago but now he keeps saying he wants to stay home. so again, i'm listening to him. it will be easier to homeschool with one person home full-time and even with me working, i won't get more than 35 hours a week so we'll have more precious time together. throw a little fuel-efficient car in the mix and we are looking at a good year ahead of us. there are plenty of things to do without sending him to pre-school everyday.
it also helps that our landlord is busy cleaning out a garage for the studio. jason will have his own separate space for painting and screenprinting. i'm recruiting my dad to help me make a textile printer: it is a key rail that allows you to attach frames to it and simply print, lift, and slide. brilliant.
i believe we'll still realize our goals of learning japanese and returning to japan but until then we plan to live and live well.

happy weekend.

106: where we are

we are trying to embrace the "if you can't be with the one you want, love the one you're with" attitude in regards to place. jason and i both grew up in the area so we have very mixed feelings about florida. my little island hometown is being over run with condos, his parents' neighborhood is awash in suburban sprawl. strip malls replace stands of pine trees and saw palmettos for the simple reason that people here obviously need the combination of grocery/sub shop/chinese take-out/nail shops every quarter of a mile down the road. the florida that the developers are growing is utterly boring. what could be less imaginative than taking a perfectly good piece of land and plowing it down for commerce and parking lots. and in florida, hot, humid florida, flat parking lots are just stupid. you can hear the metal of the cars bending under the sun. what a waste.

but then sometimes, i get a reminder of how beautiful florida still is. like when i looked out my window to see this statuesque great white egret hunting for lizards and gekkos in the bushes. sebastian hung out on the balcony quietly watching the bird's slow movements. he's learning how to be still around animals now, how to enjoy without scaring anything away with his enthusiasm.

i really hope that we'll have a car when autumn comes so we can go camping. the kids won't be ready for the cold springs just yet but by fall nico should be big enough for the backpack and we should be able to do some weekend hiking and exploring. i want them to really understand what a unique place they were both born in so that they can share some of the magical memories of a place that will soon be obsolete. unless of course the definitions of "development" and "progress" used in florida change soon to reflect a more sane and sustainable version.

we can always hope.

104: After Dark

Another late night trip to my hometown. Inspired by Jason's co-worker, I am paying more attention to light.

103: Anniversary

Today, last year at this time I was arriving in Detroit. Sebastian and Jason had returned one week before so I flew solo. I was bumped to first class for the long flight from Kansai Airport to Detroit. I had a window seat and strained to see if our friends were at the visitors tower where we had all taken the kids months before to watch the planes land and fly away. As the plane took off, tears threatened to spoil my view of the blue-green mountains, small fishing boats off the coasts of Wakayama and Mie prefectures. The flight was indulgent and I felt out of place. I watched old movies and thought about my son waiting for me. I think I only slept for about 20 minutes during the long, long flight. And then, beneath me, America's heartland laid out like a checkerboard. Backyards came into focus, swimming pools and swingsets scattered behind little boxes called home. The airport was typical but I felt removed from the frustrations, detached, a feeling that in some ways has become permanent. I was back but I didn't want to be. I fed quarters to a phone and a still jet-lagged Jason tried to reassure me while I whispered about the bizarre happenings around me. A father slapping his child, two obese women complaing about the price of a candy bar, the airport employee who was rude to me until she realized I was American. I waited for an hour with large families in knitwear, headed for a visit with the big M. On the connecting flight to the Sunshine State, I was squeezed between these people who wanted to switch seats with these other people and ended up chatting with a guy who had just finished up his tour of duty in Korea. I learned so much about that man but now I can't remember a single detail except that he called women "skirts" and I thought that was rather quaint (albeit sexist). My parents found me and they looked the same except they were different. I waited for ten minutes at the luggage claim for my olive green umbrella from Muji, despite their suggestion that I forget it and just buy a new one from Wal-Mart. We stayed at a Days Inn outside of Orlando and ate at the attached IHop. Or was it Denny's? It was All-American Food either way and everything was too big and the a/c was too cold. And that was that. I was home. One year ago today.

102: Enjoy Your Hotdogs

as said by one of my students leaving class yesterday

look people. four pearls in little nico's mouth. and he's trying to stand independently.
just thought i would brag on the tiny monkey a bit.

now back to my vocabulary lists. and that is listS with a capital S.
hope all is well. xo