110: Making and Made

a new project in the works, designed to help me focus on the natural environment around me, to seek out the good and green in my corner of the planet. i will have more soon.

still enjoying our play dough. i used this recipe and divided it after it was cool and mixed in food coloring. we had four separate ones but green+yellow+blue have joined forces.

trip to the library, animal books and chapter books to be read together at bedtime. now that i am not working evenings anymore we are really enjoying the evening routines of dinner and bedtime again.

some projects finished. a simple cotton cloth, good for use with wee ones.

the linen dress reformatted to a simple book bag.

quick embroidery, done in between games of candyland and castle building. it says motasete itadaku which literally means "humbly be allowed to carry." big enough for composition and sketch books, a few books to read when those unexpected moments open up that allow my attention to be directed to paper instead of a child.

speaking of which, both kids are now hanging off of me so i better sign off. today was too hot for the park so sebastian is certifiably insane right now and driving the rest of us batty.
really.
hope all is well with you.
xo

109: Signs of a Good Day

today is one of those days that make me wish to be a full-time stay-at-home mom. the kids have been not so crazy and we have actually just had a lot of fun. the trick to staying at home with kids is to disconnect from "real time" and just be home. usually on tuesdays i am home until around 4:30-5ish when the kid watching shift changes and jason comes in and i go out for my evening class. like i've said repeatedly, i do enjoy teaching but i also really love not working as well. my mellow approach today has also been helped by a few glasses of iced chai latte. so good.

anyway, we have been crafting fools today. some potato stamps, beetle and crocodile.

a very lovely mess. homemade play dough, a batch of whole wheat chocolate oat cookies, lots of stamping action, and salt letters. oh, and mr. bump made a few appearances today for mr. baby (as sebastian insists on calling nico lately. he's mr. sweetheart and i promise he bestowed that upon himself) as he continues to believe that he can stand up sans holding on to anything. poor unbalanced babe. thank goodness for the soothing powers of mr. bump aka cold pack.

bbc planet earth is our go-to when the heat becomes too much and we just need sebastian to chill out for a few moments. sebastian is drifting away from trains/planes/automobiles and has a newly focused interest in animals of the world. he doesn't even flinch when the gigantic great white shark attacks the seals. we put up a map of the world in his room and he is learning where all the different animals live. it is really amazing how well he remembers geography.

and a good day for nico, access to some sort of paper product to chew on. his teeth are pushing through like mad and all he likes to do is to find books, important papers, boxes, etc. and chew them until they become a pulpy mess. kinda like a puppy, i suppose.

and for me, i was happy to find my tomato plants are actually making, gasp, tomatoes. well, three of them. but that is three more than i thought i had.

jason will be home soon and we'll get to have yet another candlelit dinner of leftover millet and summer vegetables. if the rain passes, perhaps we'll even make it to free night at the museum.
a good day indeed.

108: Dai Ni No Kokoro (Second Heart)

from bosca bella cemetary, fernandina beach
all of these shifts of direction have made me aware of my desire to find my true path. over and over, jason has asked, but what do you want to do? and i just shake my head, confused by my options and limitations.
the duration of this search has taken has taught me patience. it has taught me how necessary it is to sit, to be silent. to listen and to wait.
certain means of clarification have revealed themselves to me recently. this quiet film, a library find picked up after a conversation with my french student who dreams of becoming a nun. the book that i actually first picked up while writing an article on teikei farming in japan. in this important text, i have learned about passivity and the second heart, the heart that rests within the first heart of arrogance and pride. the second heart feels "the reality of the power of love, of a wisdom that transcends the level of human capabilities... Modern society is a product of dai ichi no kokoro (first heart), the heart of the three dimensions. It is a society beset with mutual plundering and killing... It is only through our dai ni no kokoro that the true human world will evolve, bringing with it a love that guarantees its preservation." (Yanase Giryo pages 24-25). also, the inaka edition of the kyoto journal, our last purchase from japan that we've been slowly reading. this article has stimulated me, making me consider the rural-urban situation even more. in the article, he asks why is the city always invading the countryside? when is the countryside going to invade the city? for me, this is something i've always been interested in and feel that land use and in particular urban farms and community gardens are such a crucial element for urban development. it is ideal to consider moving to the country like barbara kingsolver and living off the land, but by 2050 80% of humans will be in the cities. the cities must become sustainable and one of the first steps is connecting people to the environment through their food sources.

a little shift in our plans came in my e-mail today and part of dealing with it was a little search through idealist.org to see if there are any new jobs that i can apply for. i saw my dream job again and it made me think about how i can get the experience necessary to obtain such a position. i am trying to get a plot in the neighborhood community garden and i've always wanted to WWOOF but simply do not have the time or resources to do that in the foreseeable future. perhaps grad school is on the horizon?

i appreciate having the time and space, here and elsewhere, to sort these things out. i don't know anything still but i'll continue to collect these hints like luminescent gems, lighting my way along the path. thanks for reading my rambles. i promise that soon i'll have something true and (semi) solid to report.

107: family affair

we're a young family. most of our friends that have kids started their families when they were older than i am right now. the friends that are our age are just starting to consider children. when i graduated college, sebastian was almost one. by the time i start grad school, both kids will be walking and talking. and i will still be relatively young.
i'm writing this because we honestly forget sometimes that we are a young family. there are advantages to being a young family that are sometimes overlooked because of the numerous disadvantages. we don't currently have a lot of resources. or time.
i often tell those friends of mine who are starting to feel a little pressured to start their family to relax. enjoy your pre-child days. go on vacations to places where the water is unsafe. the kids will come when they want to and when they get here they will do as they wish. they are your guests, little humans that need to be shown around the place.

i will most likely never be a full-time stay-at-home mother, but i never had my sights set on that job anyway. this summer both jason and i have been working and it has been a strain on the family. the good thing is that i have discovered that i really enjoy teaching english to speakers of other languages. i could not probably create a more suitable career for myself besides for being a writer. i empathize with language learners but mostly, i simply like humans. i like making situations smoother for people so that they can focus on what really matters. i have so much respect for all of my students, even the young ones that are more interested in boys/girls than the lesson. i remember what is like to be young; after all it wasn't too long ago.

this fall, regardless of what happens with grad school or japan, i will continue to teach. if things go as planned i will be able to teach at two places and then jason can stay at home with the boys. this is really important to me. i would gladly work the graveyard shift if i thought that my labor was benefitting the boys. jason has read my montessori books and agrees with the philosophies and methods involved. he's a good stay-at-home dad and as unconventional as it is, i wish that more families had the opportunity to allow the father to stay home. we are attachment parents (to a degree); i breastfed sebastian past his third birthday and will probably do the same with nico. i sleep sandwiched between them (and haven't had a full eight hours in over four years). we are very close. when nico was born, jason was working all the time but this summer he has been home and nico has really become attached to him. he gets so excited when he sees his dad or even hears the key turning in the lock, he crawls madly over to greet and climb up jason's leg. sebastian and jason are naturally close after two full years together. this past year when jason was working, he'd get a bit short-tempered with the kids but when he's here all day with them, on their level, he understands them better.
of course, being home doesn't bring home any bacon but we're mainly vegetarians here anyway. besides, as our rimpoche says, time is not money, time is time. it is precious.

we've decided that it is not time for sebastian to go to school. he was so into it months ago but now he keeps saying he wants to stay home. so again, i'm listening to him. it will be easier to homeschool with one person home full-time and even with me working, i won't get more than 35 hours a week so we'll have more precious time together. throw a little fuel-efficient car in the mix and we are looking at a good year ahead of us. there are plenty of things to do without sending him to pre-school everyday.
it also helps that our landlord is busy cleaning out a garage for the studio. jason will have his own separate space for painting and screenprinting. i'm recruiting my dad to help me make a textile printer: it is a key rail that allows you to attach frames to it and simply print, lift, and slide. brilliant.
i believe we'll still realize our goals of learning japanese and returning to japan but until then we plan to live and live well.

happy weekend.

106: where we are

we are trying to embrace the "if you can't be with the one you want, love the one you're with" attitude in regards to place. jason and i both grew up in the area so we have very mixed feelings about florida. my little island hometown is being over run with condos, his parents' neighborhood is awash in suburban sprawl. strip malls replace stands of pine trees and saw palmettos for the simple reason that people here obviously need the combination of grocery/sub shop/chinese take-out/nail shops every quarter of a mile down the road. the florida that the developers are growing is utterly boring. what could be less imaginative than taking a perfectly good piece of land and plowing it down for commerce and parking lots. and in florida, hot, humid florida, flat parking lots are just stupid. you can hear the metal of the cars bending under the sun. what a waste.

but then sometimes, i get a reminder of how beautiful florida still is. like when i looked out my window to see this statuesque great white egret hunting for lizards and gekkos in the bushes. sebastian hung out on the balcony quietly watching the bird's slow movements. he's learning how to be still around animals now, how to enjoy without scaring anything away with his enthusiasm.

i really hope that we'll have a car when autumn comes so we can go camping. the kids won't be ready for the cold springs just yet but by fall nico should be big enough for the backpack and we should be able to do some weekend hiking and exploring. i want them to really understand what a unique place they were both born in so that they can share some of the magical memories of a place that will soon be obsolete. unless of course the definitions of "development" and "progress" used in florida change soon to reflect a more sane and sustainable version.

we can always hope.

104: After Dark

Another late night trip to my hometown. Inspired by Jason's co-worker, I am paying more attention to light.

103: Anniversary

Today, last year at this time I was arriving in Detroit. Sebastian and Jason had returned one week before so I flew solo. I was bumped to first class for the long flight from Kansai Airport to Detroit. I had a window seat and strained to see if our friends were at the visitors tower where we had all taken the kids months before to watch the planes land and fly away. As the plane took off, tears threatened to spoil my view of the blue-green mountains, small fishing boats off the coasts of Wakayama and Mie prefectures. The flight was indulgent and I felt out of place. I watched old movies and thought about my son waiting for me. I think I only slept for about 20 minutes during the long, long flight. And then, beneath me, America's heartland laid out like a checkerboard. Backyards came into focus, swimming pools and swingsets scattered behind little boxes called home. The airport was typical but I felt removed from the frustrations, detached, a feeling that in some ways has become permanent. I was back but I didn't want to be. I fed quarters to a phone and a still jet-lagged Jason tried to reassure me while I whispered about the bizarre happenings around me. A father slapping his child, two obese women complaing about the price of a candy bar, the airport employee who was rude to me until she realized I was American. I waited for an hour with large families in knitwear, headed for a visit with the big M. On the connecting flight to the Sunshine State, I was squeezed between these people who wanted to switch seats with these other people and ended up chatting with a guy who had just finished up his tour of duty in Korea. I learned so much about that man but now I can't remember a single detail except that he called women "skirts" and I thought that was rather quaint (albeit sexist). My parents found me and they looked the same except they were different. I waited for ten minutes at the luggage claim for my olive green umbrella from Muji, despite their suggestion that I forget it and just buy a new one from Wal-Mart. We stayed at a Days Inn outside of Orlando and ate at the attached IHop. Or was it Denny's? It was All-American Food either way and everything was too big and the a/c was too cold. And that was that. I was home. One year ago today.

102: Enjoy Your Hotdogs

as said by one of my students leaving class yesterday

look people. four pearls in little nico's mouth. and he's trying to stand independently.
just thought i would brag on the tiny monkey a bit.

now back to my vocabulary lists. and that is listS with a capital S.
hope all is well. xo

mr. four

i really remember my fourth birthday with surprising clarity. i remember my mom standing at the mixer, whipping up the batter for my strawberry shortcake cake. it was one of those nice tin pressed pans with the image of the beloved character molded so that when the cake was baked, you turned the pan over and out slid a lovely image of the beloved character. my mom went all out on the frosting, whites and pinks and reds with a little green and blue there. i remember that my large extended family threatened to skip it but then, to my parents' surprise (which i can remember as well), more came than were expected. and i think this was the only time in my history that such a gathering occurred. the next time i would see so many relatives, sadly, would be at the funerals of my grandmothers.
the reason why i am sharing this snippet of personal lore is because sebastian has reached this milestone of long-term memory. what goes on now is recorded. i realize that he, like myself, will always have earlier memories but those prior memories are sparse and scattered. the memories that are being created now will stay within his consciousness' grasp. so now, we need to be careful. most parents worry about getting their children through babyhood; i've been nervous about four since the two pink lines appeared on that plastic stick. it's pretty heavy, man. of course, at the same time, i have been looking forward to this age for a while. actually, to tell you the truth, through his, ahem, entire third year. three is so awkward. not a baby, not a kid but still a baby and almost a kid. he went through a lot this last year, transitions all around. and because he is sebastian, he bore it like a king. i am so happy to know such a cool little guy. he is friendly and funny and has so, so much energy and passion contained in his little frame that it is always on the verge of escape. happy birthday, darling boy. thank you for putting up with us.

セバスチャンくん　お誕生日お目でと!!!

this floridian life

hot heads

it's summer, people. real hot, humid, sunny, thunderstormy summer. here are my hot heads to prove it:


you know it is hot when sebastian naps. i could use one myself but there is always Too Much To Do. i did enjoy cleaning the porch with nico in his chair while sebastian slept. two of our hanging plants had bit the dust and so i spent some time cutting away the skeletons and finding the salvagable roots. it is strange how the little victories of the day become so important to my general sanity. now if only i can get the dishes done my day will be complete.
hope everyone is well. happy weekend.
xo

taking a break

so, the news. we have decided to put our efforts into getting back to japan as soon as reasonably possible. it is not just for the sake of being in japan, it is about giving our sons a better life that we can't afford for them here. health insurance, kind people, beautiful scenery, bilingualism. did i mention health insurance? i am in the somewhat frustrating process of gathering ducks and putting them in their rows. graduate school, jlpt, letters of reference, job possibilities. it can be a tad overwhelming. sometimes i just need to step away from writing cover letters and statements of purpose and head to the park.


more pictures from the morning can be found on my flickr account.
outside time is growing limited with the increasing heat, smoke, and humidity. sebastian needs a new hat and so do i. perhaps a modified sun hat from simple sewing can be accomplished before i have to head to work.
a good break indeed.
p.s. thank you for your crossed fingers. we need all the luck and good thoughts we can get.
xo

plan b

this is me and sebastian just over a year ago.

i can't write a lot concerning plan b but i would like to say that it holds certain elements that are exhibited in the above photo. (and, no, i am not pregnant again.) i can't write a lot mainly because nothing is certain AND because i don't want to jinx myself. but if you could cross your fingers and toes for us, i would greatly appreciate it. coins in the fountain are also quite welcomed.

thanks.
xo

(hope you are having a good weekend)

fraternity

and so they play.

verbs

::reading bird by bird::
::sharing an excerpt that i, as an indecisive libra, found important:
(Anne Lamott is dress shopping with her friend who is terminally ill) p.170
"Then I said, 'Do you think it makes my hips look too big?' and she said to me slowly, 'Annie, I really don't think you have that kind of time.'
::thinking about how i use time and how i would rather spend this most precious commodity::
::allowing myself to focus and put other projects/interests/diversions on the back burner::
::finding two new blogs that help to confirm my idea that teaching is a good day job for a person like me::
::taking a break from blogs and blogging::
::hoping you are well::

riches

early morning trip to the farmer's market:: finding a local community garden, in full bloom:: rediscovering conscious consumerism and consumption:: the book feeding the whole family by cynthia lair:: tempeh sandwiches, ginger-peach tea, spring beet soup to cleanse::

vegan banana nut muffins (gluten-free as well)
4 ripe bananas
1/3 cup soy milk
1 t vanilla extract
1/2 cup vegan margarine
3/4 cup sugar
2 cups of flour mix (i used one cup of white rice flour, 1/2 cup of sorghum flour, 1/4 cup tapioca flour, 1/4 cup potato starch flour + 1/2 t of xanthan gum)
1 t baking soda
1/2 cup chopped nuts

pre-heat oven 350 degrees F
mash bananas well then add milk and vanilla
in separate bowl, mix sugar and margarine then add to banana/milk
sift flours and baking soda then add to liquid mixture
add nuts then pour into muffin tins
bake 10-15 minutes
makes one dozen muffins




happy weekend
xo

shout out

this is one of sebastian's many self-portraits. yes, that is his angry face. no, he's not really angry.
this is my lazy way of replying/getting in touch with a few people that i owe responses to. i am thinking of every single email, call, comment i get, not to mention the numerous gifts that are in progress. please know that i am thinking of you even if i don't mention you here.

first, i wanted to mention that my good friend amie just opened up her etsy store. there are some cool little works of art there now and she told me she would be updating soon with much, much more so please check her out. amie and i met in ceramics class in high school. we sat at the same table with another girl (who is also a great artist and, ahem, hasn't written to me in a long, long time) and i am proud to know such talented ladies.

okay, here are the personal responses:
heather: i got your lovely (and long) message and i will call you soon. really. i promise. this weekend. for real.
momoko and eileen: i am sending your baby gifts to you soon. very soon. i just have to remake one part because i worry that your babes are getting too big.
hiromi: i am really sending you a package. and a postcard. i really love getting mail from you and i do hope that we will see each other soon.
eko: i can't believe that shara-chan is four and renka-chan looks just like her now. we will be mailing shara-chan's b-day present tomorrow.
for all those people who i promised postcards: this weekend, seriously. i finally found my stamps.
elizabeth: i want to send you a birthday present but it will be late because mom is out of country and i don't know your address. but please know that i am thinking about you.

whew. there are actually more but i think this will have to do for now. hope everyone is having a good week!