the five hour bag

gone are the days when i could sew a bag in 30 minutes. i made this one over an extended period today, trying not to get frustrated by the constant interruptions. i am happy with the end product. i used canvas from jason's store, a floral printed canvas that i found on the bargin table, as well as cutting up some of my maternity dresses for the black and grey material. it's reversible so i guess it is more like two bags, making it the 2.5 hour bag. jason said my headband looks rather old-fashioned. looking at the picture, i think it looks rather rhoda-ish but i don't believe jason has ever even seen the mary tyler moore show. his loss. anyway, this weekend's sewing was marked by my newly adopted habit of using the iron, measuring tape, and pins. the designs may be a bit simple but i am not too concerned about that at this point. anyway, now i must clean my little corner of the room before sebastian reminds me again that i "messed up" his room. he keeps going in there and saying "just look at this mess". what a nag. hope everyone is having a lovely one. take care.

a sewing break

i managed to squeeze in some sewing during nico's nap this morning and i ended up with this groovy little headband. i don't think i have posted much about my sewing projects but i thought i would begin including it here like i do with the poems. i have actually been sewing since my early teens and used to sell hippy dresses and bags at local shops in my youth. i can't imagine that they were very good but they sold anyway. there is a long line of seamstresses in my family. i had a great-aunt annie mae whose quilts now hang in a museum of cultural history, a grandmother who sewed her own hats and party dresses, and a mother who sewed all of my halloween costumes and my prom dress (which i designed myself). she taught me the basics but it wasn't until recently that i developed the patience to sit down and iron and use needles and measurements. now i am really excited about developing the skills needed to produce the many, many ideas crammed in my head. so i'll be exhibiting my practice pieces here, if you don't mind. hope all is well. take care.

they call him mellow yellow

yesterday was a day full of hassles so today when i asked sebastian what he wanted to do, he said, "let's just stay home and rest". done and done. i am trying to organize my days and nights better so that during the kids' awake time i can be *with* them instead of tackling chores and personal pursuits. one of my wacky ambitions is to manage to wake up and get to the Y when it opens via bike (they open at 5) so that the hassle of diaper bags and interruptions won't be included in the day. the less hassles the better, right? anyway, i have a pot of chili to tend to and a cranky nico protesting the swing so i best be off. happy weekend.
p.s. here's what my valentine gave me. considering that we rarely give each other presents, i am rather unmaterialistic in terms of personal wares, and we share a cultured aversion to the holiday, it was a very unexpected but happy surprise. thanks, jas.



(we traded the trains for animals today. such a nice change.)

(it always feels hopeful to tidy up my work space, though it is a bit cramped. at least it is cramped with good things.)

(a patient nico who sat for a bit in his swing so i could moo and baa with sebastian and his farm)

take care. xoxo

poetry thursday*

the leaves were unsettled by the whisper of unseen forces. the currents of wind took them by surprise and bullied them out of their peace on the sidewalk, forcing them to fly, dance, stumble until they were scattered once more. the green ones tried to resist but those crisp with age realized that there are no options and surrendered immediately and soared high with unintentional grace, too tired to fight, to question. the baby turns over on the bed, the boy hits a ball with a bat, the aunt finds out she has a tumor in her womb. above their heads the moon rises, the tide swells, and we are swept along, turning brown at the edges.

*prose

happy heart day

i was about to chuck this sugary madness but then...

the kingdom of love and the collective of hearts were built (the taffys are the citizens, and that's a m&m river with kit-kat bridges, plastic cupcake mountains, and a lollypop sailing vessel that is shared by all citizens). please, please don't let sebastian know this is candy.


we also made some things that won't be 86ed immediately after the photo....(yes that's a chocolate espresso cheesecake)


xoxo

ざくろ

pomme granate

succulent garnets
caverns teeming with rubies
i wander, joyful

躑躅 tsutsuji

stolen azelas

white dancing curtains
bees linger under blue skies
winter shies away

just another sunny day

"I had not very much to say. It was a record of hard work and of little adventure; of experiments in this direction and in that; of the gradual acquisition of the knowledge of books and of men. " (p. 96)
from the moon and sixpence

poetry thursday*

a pearl fence marks the
border between her
sagging neck and shoulders

rose red paint colors her
neatly trimmed fingernails
applied with an unsteady hand

we meet once a week along
the river road but she
never remembers my face

she greets me and mentions the
unusual weather for
the weather is always unusual

if it is a blue sky, and it usually is,
she’ll say how it matches a
print dress she once wore

there was a USO dance and her hair
was pulled back with combs
her lips redder than blood

he was so tall then, she’ll say
and so handsome in the uniform
with the polished brass buttons

so handsome, she’ll repeat
he had spent the afternoon shining
his shoes in anticipation of someone else

but he danced with her instead
and in the sixties they left their
four grown children up north

and came here because he liked
palm trees and her body in a
bikini, though you may not believe it

now not a month goes by without
a devoted great-grandchild flying down
to be by her side, but to tell the truth

she would just prefer to have him
though it was twenty years ago when
a heart attack broke his body

her wedding band remains embedded
on its finger like a vine cutting
through the thick flesh of an oak

are you married, she’ll ask me
with my nod, she'll say a good man
is worth his weight in gold

then we part and she continues on
with her memories rolling around
like a glass marble in her mouth

*this week's prompt: change

seagulls are glorious birds

today was stunning. no time to write but tomorrow i'll be back with a poem. until then, some more maude love. xo

easy as pie

pie isn't exactly easy it turns out but i enjoyed the process even so. sebastian and i peeled apples and sang silly songs to distract nico from crying then we rolled out the (gluten-free) crust using a wine bottle.

i was really happy to have a pie cooling on the windowsill while a meatloaf cooked in the oven. yes, a real meatloaf. it was my first ever both making and eating. i wanted to make a warm "traditional" meal since jason had a poor start yesterday (got up late, missed the bus, ate a snickers for breakfast, typical monday antics). oh, and the vegan plan is back on the shelf.

this morning, i overheard a neighbor telling another neighbor "well, it's just another day to get through". how many people live their life with that attitude? incredibly sad. i've started reading Transforming Problems Into Happiness by Lama Zopa Rinpoche. it is kind of like a cliffs notes version of some of the basic dharmic texts but it is beneficial. "the thought of liking problems should arise naturally, like the though of liking ice cream or the thought of liking music" (p. 11)
i watched harold and maude last night and i totally heart maude. i'm sure you've watched it but there are some stunning shots and amazing lines like:
Maude: I should like to change into a sunflower most of all. They're so tall and simple. What flower would you like to be?
Harold: I don't know. One of these, maybe.
Maude: Why do you say that?
Harold: Because they're all alike.
Maude: Oooh, but they're *not*. Look. See, some are smaller, some are fatter, some grow to the left, some to the right, some even have lost some petals. All *kinds* of observable differences. You see, Harold, I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who are *this*,
[she points to a daisy]
Maude: yet allow themselves be treated as *that*
[she gestures to a field of daisies]

and

Maude: A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. *Reach* out. Take a *chance*. Get *hurt* even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE!
[beat]
Maude: Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room.

Harold: You hop in any car you want and just drive off?
Maude: Well, not any car - I like to keep a variety. I'm always looking for the new experience.
Harold: [smiling] Maybe.
[sobering]
Harold: Nevertheless, I think you're upsetting people. I don't know if that's right.
Maude: Well, if some people get upset because they feel they have a hold on some things, I'm merely acting as a gentle reminder: here today, gone tomorrow, so don't get attached to things.
Maude: [gesturing to a sick tree growing through a sidewalk] Harold, we have *got* to do something about this life.
Harold: What?
Maude: We'll transplant it. To the forest.
Harold: You can't do that.
Maude: Why not?
Harold: This is public property.
Maude: Well, *exactly*.
Harold: Maude?
Maude: Yeah?
Harold: [Pulls a ring from his pocket] Here.
Maude: [Gasping] A gift!
[Reading the engraving]
Maude: "Harold loves Maude"
[Looking up at him]
Maude: And Maude loves Harold. This is the nicest gift I've received in years.
[She throws the ring into the lake, to Harold's surprise]
Maude: So I'll always know where it is.

anyway, my tea break is over. time to tackle the daily lessons and get out under the blue blue sky. hope all is wonderful with you and yours (and if it's not, you should change the way you are looking at it). xoxo

staying in

the other night over a bottle of wine and a deck of uno, i had an epiphany. i don't have to go to work tomorrow. i get to stay at home. and further more, i want to stay at home. i have always wanted to stay at home, or at least not go to work or school (hence why i had a huge record of absenteeism all throughout school and have been known to call into work, or, um, quit when i just couldn't stand another day punched on my timecard). i have been putting so much pressure on myself to find a job or, even worse, a career when i know what i want to do, i have always known, but somehow i had lost my hold on the thread that anchors me to myself. let me tell you, my epiphany may seem more like i was just stating the obvious but truly i feel so very much better. i don't have to go to work tomorrow.

i've been rearranging the house. i have accepted the concept that we will remain in one place for a while so i am trying to make it more livable/workable. i moved the computer out of the bedroom to the living room so that i can write when all the boys have boarded the nightime express to sleepytown. i brought the swing out of sebastian's play/classroom (and our studio space) so that nico could join me as he would be the one to wake up the others with his flapping and grunts (the one downside to the family bed). before we were never in the living room but now it is a lot more cozy with the glow of the imac to warm us and the grey chair near the bookshelf for easy reading access. i'm sure this is more detail than you care for but i wanted to share the process of settling down. part of my epiphany included the basic fact that i hadn't recognized how taxing all of the transitions of the past year have been. it started with the recontracting debate, the getting settled in nara, the finding out that i was pregnant, then trying to figure out if we should still stay or go, then deciding to leave at the same time being told we were expecting a girl, then moving back to j-ville into the same building we left two years earlier, discovering how different jacksonville is without a car, giving birth to nico instead of ingrid, then realizing we have to pay for jason's school, followed by my attempts to find a job and the debate over grad school, followed by disappointments and finally, now, acceptance. acceptance that we need to be in jacksonville for some reason that we are working on finding out. acceptance that we have to pay for jason's school. acceptance that we must be productive and creative anywhere and everywhere. acceptance that i am home and jason is at work. acceptance that the transportation system here stinks. acceptance that we must establish and stick to a budget. acceptance that jason's gluten intolerance is for real.
acceptance opens the way for happiness. i am not fretting anymore (this is huge as fretting is a mild term for the truth of my anxiety disorder). we are working on the things that really matter to us: family, friends, education, art, reading and writing, mindfulness. it is slow, but we are working on it here and now.

the weather has been a tad cooler lately which makes it possible to stay indoors and enjoy multiple cups of tea, muji slippers on our feet, the blessings of steam heat, and baking. yesterday i made some butterscotch-chocolate chip cookies that were delicious and gluten-free. i am working on the transition to a gluten-free diet so i have to improve my cooking and baking skills (though i needed to do that regardless of the gluten factor ;)). i checked out some dvds from the library on thursday: antonia's line, groundhog day (happy belated, by the way), the exocism of emily rose, harold and maude, and who's camus anyway?. we watched the exocism of emily rose last night with some hard cider but i must say it wasn't as scary as i had hoped, though it was interesting. maybe harold and maude tonight as we are the only two people on earth who have not watched it. too busy watching the office, i suppose. anyway, i am off to start our dinner of (vegan and gluten-free) shepherd's pie with mighty miso gravy. hope all is well with you and yours. take care.

P.S. 誕生日おめでとう, Renka-chan! One whole year! Wowee!

good v. bad

this is how i've been feeling for a while.

but today....

...i looked at my life and i saw only sweetness.

good things: gingerbread cookies with coconut and chocolate, wine and uno, sunlight and cool breezes, babysitters, story outlines, iced tea, kimya dawson, uncle b's nikon, old friends, new friends, toothless grins, free laundry service, no place to go. hoping that your sunshine is triumphant. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

a day off

it may seem that a stay-at-home mother has endless days off, but truly my only days off are when jason is around and healthy. these last few weeks jason has worked overtime to cover all the people struck down with the flu only to wind up sleeping through two days of his life, tucked shivering under his covers. then sebastian got it. i must say i have a lot of bravado concerning my kids' illnesses; i keep my chin up and try to keep all the horror stories i have some how collected concerning sick children out of my consciousness (though i will think, what did mrs. march do when beth was sick with scarlet fever? oh yes, she rubbed beth's feet to bring the fever down from her head. and then i will proceed to rub my hot boy's feet, just in case. i do draw the line at leeches, so don't worry). i really have always had a hard time reading stories or watching movies with children or cute animals because they are, 9.5 times out of 10, the victims. this began with old yeller when i was four. though i did watch nobody knows over the weekend, but that was only because it was filmed in japan and i knew it was a tragic story to begin with. i suppose movies with healthy children that live happily until they are 112 would be too boring but personally i would watch them because they would help to balance the fear that i carry with me, the same heavy emotion all parents have, conceived along with our children. anyway, the illness has now (knock on wood) left the building and today jason had a day off. and it was nice. very nice. i hope everyone is warm and genki. take care. (P.S. HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY, L.!!!)

we've been...

sick, scheming, baking, making soup, enjoying the cooler days, writing letters that won't be sent, sewing shirts and skirts, reading, sudokuing, cleaning, taking pictures, worrying, waiting, receiving fantastic packages, using our "new" baby trekker, flipping through the new dwell, thinking, and scheming some more.

hopefully this next week will include more abc learning, arts/crafts for all family members, park time, nature walking, more baking, more sewing, less fretting, less scheming, more action, less sickness. i hope that by mid-week we will all be genki once more. jason and sebastian have been the true victims, please hope that it leaves our home without touching nico. i hope all is well with you and yours. take care.

on second thought...

i am publishing a correction to the previous post. please ignore it, especially all references to becoming a teacher. hastily written in a desperate mind set. apologies for any confusion it might have caused.

for the boys

i knew that it wouldn't be easy to find a job but what i didn't realize was that it would be nearly impossible. i have felt disappointed, depressed, and disillusioned. the latter state of mind is actually the most promising. i know now what matters to me at this point is taking care of my family and to do that i am going to go the most reasonable direction. i am going to return to school to become a secondary school social science teacher. there is a program at the university of florida that will enable me to get my master's in education in one year. this coming fall i will begin as a post-bac student because i have to take ten (yes, 10) classes to enter the program. 30 credits. it turns out that all the interesting classes like "magic, science, and witchcraft" don't count towards a teaching certificate. again, i do not regret my major. anthropology has helped me understand the world and my place in it as well as being a parent. that is more valuable to me than a career. but the fact remains that we have to pay for jason's schooling as well as bring these two monkeys up. and the wonderful thing is that i will be able to teach at international schools when we are ready to leave the states again (though truth be told, we are pretty much ready to leave now, in our hearts at least). anyway, just thought i would share. hope all is well with you and yours. take care.

same old story

a reluctant girl pursues a college degree with hopes of leaving the realm of minimum wage forever. makes good marks, becomes confident, some would even say cocky, lands a terrific job that she fails to fully appreciate, returns to the herds of job hunters and after a series of interviews that go nowhere, finds herself standing in a line at starsucks ordering a soy mocha and an application.
(in fact my story has already been a full length feature film, you know with diapers instead of cigarettes)

the moral of this tale? so many in fact. not that i regret my education but if i wanted to be on a career track i should have sought internships, grad school. now i have a fancy degree and will probably be serving lattes to my old professors. here's the moral: pride cometh before a fall. or how about how the mighty have fallen? but i never considered myself mighty. just a mama to two with a little student loan in need of payments. what are my options at this point? continue to submit applications. wait and see how that community organizer position pans out. start applying to grad school. but for what? you may ask. well, if i hurry i could submit my application for the master's in mass communication. or i could get a post-bac in literature and then go to grad school. or, or, or.... i could find a tiny island flush with mangos and bananas and teach tourists how to go spear fishing. or work in a factory popping heads onto doll bodies. i mean, what does it matter? the alps will be barren of glaciers in 2050 and the moon is disintegrating and we'll be pulled into the sun and if nothing else the sun will become a red dwarf in billions of years so all this work and worry about human civilization is meaningless. and that is such a relief because that means we don't have to value one life or career over another. everyone is equal and free, right? anyway, i am sure things will work out. as the great george michael once said:



****because i have had a some mixed responses to my recent resolution, let me emphasis that it is my resolution taken on because the interweb is such a great sucker of time. i love reading blogs, they are great for inspiration and help me feel less alone as a mother trying to live as our banner states. so don't think i was fishing for comments to be left, i really don't care either way. i like comments but i know that most of the time there is nothing that needs to be said. writing comments is my way of being aware of how my time is being spent because i have so little non-mothering time. okay? take care*****

a wise man once said...

this is a really fantastic video with ginsberg that i thought i would share with you. happy monday.

poetry thursday

this week's assignment was to take a line from another partipant's poem and weave it into an original piece. i chose: "there they are, wandering the streets of my life" by GreenishLady. (i must preface this by saying i will probably continue to edit this as it was written while one of my boys kept pushing his trains on my arms). take care.

*boys*
in the beginning, there were boys.
my mother worried, my father frowned.
there were constant reminders to
cross my ankles
long before i understood what
a pair of loose ankles were capable of.
though i was in public school, i was made
increasingly private
in too long skirts and buttoned-up blouses.
yet despite the precautions, the boys still came.
randy, and alan, and brian, and mitchell,
and jason
frankie, bruce, chris, mike, robert, eric, and paul
when i close my eyes
there they are, wandering the streets of my life.
i, the early bloomer, in my awkward style
spent most of my pollen before twenty
on boys who have forgotten by now.
so when i gave birth to my first son
and then my second
i praised the fates for being gracious enough
to deny me a daughter
with ankles to worry about
and leave me,
in the end,
surrounded by boys.

another resolution

i have vowed that i will no longer read blogs unless i have the time to post comments. this is just my personal resolution, you shouldn't feel the need to follow it yourself. unless, of course, you want to. i personally have no objections. i just want to spend more, um, quality time online and part of that is being more interactive and less voyeuristic. good idea, yes? i think so.

xoxo

you are here right now

inspired by this project, i present some images from my morning.